Moving Towards Better

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So, this evening I decided to check in with some of the blogs that I follow before writing up a post of my own and I came to realize that, I am not alone. I am not the only person who blogs who randomly drops off or goes missing in action as the three dimensional world we live in decides to hold us hostage. It’s good to not be alone in this because I will freely admit to feeling guilty for doing so. Here I am, writing about my journey after weight loss surgery, how my life is changing, becoming the catalyst for my own life changes, people start to follow my blog and suddenly I abandon them by not posting.

I can’t promise that my posts are going to suddenly become a daily thing but I can at least try to write a post once a week. I am likely going to schedule a time to write posts so that way I remember and I stop feeling so guilty about it.

I’ve been working a lot, and by “a lot” I mean that tonight was the first night I’ve had off since the 30th of June. I’ve been working overnights from 10:00pm to 4:00am or 6:00am depending on if my mother needs the car to get to work or not. I’m so exhausted that it goes bone deep. I never quite understood the level or tired someone would have to be before they just wanted to cry, but I am there. I am so there.

But it’s all worth it, because today I was able to register for two of the classes I need to get the certificate of completion in Real Estate like I want. I only need a total of five classes, and then I’ll be able to test for my Real Estate Agent License. It’ll mean more work for me, more being awake and studying and less sleep but I finally feel like I am moving towards something better. Not just the weight, but a better quality of life.

Small Energy Crisis

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I know I haven’t posted in a while and for that I am sorry. I just haven’t had a lot to post about, or the energy to post it even if I did.

Recently at work a couple of people have quit and there’s been a shortage of people to fill in the gap left behind. I’ve gone from working two overnight shifts a week, with mostly afternoon shifts, to me working six nights a week overnight.

I wake up at around two or three in the afternoon, have my breakfast that is really lunch. I putter around the house for a little while, then I have my lunch which is really dinner, I shower and get ready for work and I am there from ten at night until four or six in the morning. I then come home, have my dinner which is really breakfast and then promptly pass out.

Here soon I am planning on adding working out to that whole routine, but I’ve been exhausted. I work at a gas station and I spend the entire night on my feet.

I’m also planning on going back to school in August because overnights is making me exhausted and working at a gas station I have worked every single holiday thus far. I want to be at a point in my life where I have a career that doesn’t require me to work Christmas so someone can buy beer or cigarettes.

Really nasty habit

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For four weeks there, I had a boyfriend. I am not going to go into detail because half of those details are not my tale to tell but suffice to say that I am single once again and I have created a new dating profile for the online dating websites. I maybe could have waited a bit longer to get my figurative feet back under me, but it wasn’t that long of a relationship.

Within twenty-four hours of the new profile going “live” I received over thirty messages from different guys.

I am not bragging, I am fairly comfortable being average looking. Indeed I like the idea that I am average looking. I am an average twenty pounds overweight American woman. I had surgery in order to be “average”.

But I found myself doing something that I need to put an end to immediately. In my dating profile I posted the photo of me with my largest pair of jeans from when I was my most overweight, and a lot of these guys within five messages back and forth are saying “congrats on the weight loss, you worked hard.” What I need to put an end to is I keep replying with “oh well I had surgery.”

I need to stop dismissing what I’ve gone through, what I go through daily because of this path I’ve put myself on. The way I phrase it, makes it sound like somehow I am less deserving of a “congrats” than if I had gone through the weight loss the “old fashioned way.” I may not have done it the “hard way” but I willingly gave myself lifelong vitamin deficiencies in order to reach a healthier weight and I really need to not belittle that.

On a side note, I kind of miss being overlooked because attention is exhausting.

One Year Post-Op

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I will admit that I haven’t been the best about posting like I wanted to when I first started this blog and like I keep promising to be better about. But there was absolutely no way that I was going to skip posting today of all days.

One year ago today I underwent my gastric bypass surgery. I could focus on the negatives, I could, I could lament the fact that I haven’t been 100% compliant, or that I’ve stumbled a little. I could even whine about the deep longing I still sometimes feel when walking past a display of cupcakes in the grocery store. But, I am not going to, instead I am going to focus on the positives today.

It’s time to count my blessings.

  • One year ago today these jeans were tight on me.

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  • Now when my son says “race you” I can actually run and at the end I am not gasping for breath like a fish out of water.
  • I no longer have that moment of anxiety about fitting in movie theater seats.
  • or booths when I go out to eat.
  • I can shop pretty much anywhere I want for clothes and they’ll fit… (can’t afford some places though, still waiting on winning the lotto).
  • When I walk by people and they start laughing, I no longer worry that maybe they’re laughing at me.
  • I can do my job, before there’s no way I could have physically stood all eight hours without pain.

This plus so much more that I have to be grateful for. But I think what I am most grateful for today is that I am looking forward now with hope. I didn’t have that before. I was always lamenting the present. Now? Now I can’t wait to see what this next year holds for me.

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294 pounds

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271.5 pounds

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159 pounds

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294 pounds

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271.5

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159 pounds

  • Heaviest Weight: 294
  • Weight at Surgery: 271.5
  • Current Weight: 159
  • Total Lost: 135

What Nothing Could Prepare Me For…

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When preparing for my surgery I soaked up all the information I could. I read websites and blogs constantly. I talked to my surgeon and my dietitian and I thought I was prepared for everything.

But there are some things that no amount of research or talking it through can really prepare you for. No matter how ready you think you are some things will emotionally broadside you.

Intellectually I knew that after losing weight I’d be treated differently by a lot of people. People would notice me, not look past me anymore, or worse, through me. I knew this!

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But this woman up there, in that photo was obese from the age of six. She was used to being overlooked, looked past, and looked through. She never had to figure out if a guy was only interested in her body because she was never that girl. She was the “you have a pretty face” girl. She was the “I love your personality” girl.

I was miserable and online dating was depressingly not productive. I couldn’t get a reply from someone that truly interested me to save my life, but I was weirdly fine with it because that was my normal. I was lonely, and unhealthy, tired all the time, and alone (which is different than lonely). But it was all my status quo.

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This woman up there, she’s completely overwhelmed. People look at her, they see her. After decades of not being noticed she’s getting attention and it’s so alien to her that navigating these social situations is as awkward as trying to teach a cow to purr.

I am thirty-five and I’m negotiating dating now with all the personal experience that the average sophomore in high school had when I was going. I have no reserve of past experiences to draw on to help me figure out who is interested in me, and who just wants the new body.

I signed up a new account on one dating site and uploaded new photos to another one and my inbox exploded. Because I know what it feels like to not get a reply I feel I have to reply to all of them and don’t get me started on all the inappropriate messages. Inappropriate photos have happened when I’ve given my phone number out to some of them. It’s all exhausting.

I know, horrible problem to have right? But I’ve met some of these guys in person and a time or two I’ve let things get a little too far and then poof they vanish.

I’m grateful for a lot of things about my surgery. I’m grateful for being healthier, and having my energy. I’m even grateful for having to buy more clothes because now I have prettier options than I had before.

But in a lot of ways I’m not grateful for this part. It was easier when I didn’t have hope, when I could count on not getting noticed and was used to it. Having hope and thinking I’ve found someone, just someone to be my person (yes I watch Grey’s Anatomy), only to have it yanked away is painful; more so than the friend zone that I lived in.

I’m looking forward to when I figure out some social filters to make this all easier. Eventually this former cow is going to figure out how to purr.

 

Caught off my feet

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I haven’t been fantastic about updating my blog here because of the simple fact that my computer is still down and I am horrible at typing on my phone.

I am currently a size 16 and stalled out at 167 pounds. I have no one to blame but myself for that situation either. So, I am kicking myself out of the house tomorrow to go for a walk and exercise before work.

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And before photos lest we forget…

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294 Pounds

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294 Pounds

I got contact lenses and new backup glasses for my birthday on the 6th. I personally love them both but I seem to prefer the glasses when I am at home and not going anywhere.

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Speaking of my birthday… I had a date on March 5th with a twenty-four year old. At first I was hesitant because, hello, I’m now thirty-five. But he said he wanted to sweep me off my feet. I thought the date went really well and I had that happy cloud nine thing going on. He said he wanted to go out again the next night, on my birthday but then he rain checked and I didn’t hear from him. I hear from him again and we make plans again and he cancels again and I haven’t heard from him since and I’ve now walked away from that situation before that gets ridiculous.

So,  I attempt to move on and I set up a date with someone my own age group and he too cancels and I don’t hear from him again either.

What I failed to keep in mind is that when I allow myself to be swept off of my feet I’ve no footing if they decide to drop me on my backside. Right now I’m trying to decide if the bruises are worth it to me or if I need to keep a foot on the ground in the future to catch myself.

This situation with the good first date and then being blown off hits a lot of my insecurities. As I mentioned in my first post, in middle school there was a group of boys whose favorite way to torment me was to pretend to like me and then change their tune when I started to believe it… “I like you… Just kidding!” The ex I lived with: “you’re beautiful but could use to lose some weight.” All these things make me doubt… myself, the sincerity of others.

So I am taking a breath and focusing on me as long as I need to.

I discovered a certificate of completion for real estate is only going to take five classes but an AAS in Real Estate would take me ten. I am going for the certificate first so I can get my license. There is nothing that says I can’t go back for those last five later on.

I’m also saving up for IVF with donor sperm in case I’m still single. I want more kids and I refuse to leave it to chance or fickle romances. Though Target seems to be rushing me.

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They sent me a catalog of baby things.

That’s all for now. But I will share my walk/without stuff tomorrow and post again.

Heaviest weight: 294
Weight at surgery: 271.5
Current Weight:167
Total Lost: 127

So far so meh

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So far I’ve been a bit better about sticking to the approved post-op bariatric diet. The problem at the moment is that my payday is two days away so I have to deal with the hand I have.

I haven’t quite managed the walking hurdle just yet but I have set my sights on a goal in that regard. I want to run. So I’m reading about that and a viable plan will take shape soon.

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It’s tough because my work week is Thursday to Wednesday and recently my boss hasn’t been coming out with the schedule until the day before. I’ve not had my schedule changed in the past three weeks but that doesn’t mean I won’t. I’ve also been working 10pm to 6am on Thursdays and 10pm to 4am on Fridays.

On another note my birthday is coming up on March 6th. I’ll be turning 35. It’s my first birthday post-op and 10 months (plus 1 day) after surgery.  I’ve been looking at sugar free cake mixes. I’ll try sugar free and low carb later on. I wouldn’t look at all except I feel that birthdays are a big deal. At least they should be.

No more squandering.

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Back just before I would start on the path that would lead to my weight loss surgery I didn’t think Medicaid covered them. I found out that Medicaid would but I didn’t think I would qualify to be approved.  I was. It was like the universe granted me a gift.

I bring this up because lately I haven’t been posting on my blog out of a sense of shame. I’ve been eating the wrong things. Horribly wrong things. After work last night I’m at the kitchen table with only a bite or two left of Frito Pie, yes Frito Pie, and I think to myself “I’m squandering my gift.”

Pretty much every rule or guideline for eating and general health after weight loss surgery I’ve either broken or bent to my wishes over the past two months. I’ve been drinking fluids just before or just after meals. I’ve had breaded foods and white pasta. As stated with the Frito Pie I’ve had fried foods. Chips have happened.

My post-op dietary sins have been great and I feel terrible. There’s a lot of guilt about it and a sense of failure.

But after my epiphany last night I’m resolved to get back on program and make the changes that need to be made. No more cheating myself or robbing myself of this gift I’ve been given.

When I crave bad things I just need to deny myself the same way I deny myself when I crave cigarettes still after having quit those over two years ago.

To help keep me accountable I’m going to start writing in a food journal again.

stumbling a bit

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I had to share this little thing I came across on Pinterest because when I saw it, I had to wonder if the creator knew anyone who had, had a gastric bypass. Staying hydrated is very much a thing, an important thing at that. I unfortunately haven’t been as good about staying hydrated as I should be and I’m trying to be better about it now.

There are a lot of things I haven’t been good about that I’m trying to be better about. I’ve pretty much given up the notion of protein shakes entirely. I haven’t noticed any hair loss so I think I am getting enough ingested protein without the shakes. Mostly it’s the cost of the protein powder that has decided it. Unless I want to consume something that tastes so foul it could be considered a form of torture, protein costs upwards of $50 a canister and I just don’t have the available funds for that.

I’m hoping to soon be trying some new gastric bypass friendly recipes and sharing them all with you and how they turned out. I also need to keep up with my walking, which slid back into bad behavior after Thursday of last week. It’s just really difficult to figure out when to walk when I am working overnights. It’s a weird schedule to keep an exercise routine during.

Walk and some photos

I just completed an activity with Runkeeper http://runkeeper.com/activity?userId=13294109&trip=728583942

So this was my walk today. I had to pause because a complete stranger stopped me to ask what my secret for weight loss was. I told her the truth and also gave her some tips my dietitian gave me. It felt good but also threw me off my pace.

Anyway photos are early since I’m working on the 9 month anniversary of my surgery.

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Blurry but the best I could do today.

Oh and I got a date tonight with a man 10yrs younger than me.