In order to really appreciate where I am going, I need to reflect first upon where I have been. So, a little, alright a lot, of history is in order. Not that I am all that old for there to be a lot of history.
My first experience with someone using the F word on me (fat, not the other one) was in Kindergarten. I wasn’t at the time, at least I do not believe that I was. I see pictures of me when I am that age and I don’t see an overweight child at least. I started to gain weight at the age of six, going from a healthy weight to being overweight. This, of course, lead to a great deal of teasing on the playground during recess and lunch time during elementary school. My best friend in the entire world was my dog, and some days I felt that she was my only friend. That isn’t to say that I didn’t have friends, I had my Girl Scout Troop, but sometimes it just felt impossibly lonely.
The first time I weighed in at over two hundred was a bit of a memorable moment for me. I was in the sixth grade, and we had to be weighed by our physical education teachers. They attempted to cover up the scale properly, but they didn’t, and my worst nightmare saw the 204 on the scale. I’m sure every woman has one in her past… that one girl in grade school or junior high that was hateful and usually outright cruel. So, you can imagine what that was like.
Throughout high school I was between 224 in freshman year, up to 250 my senior year. I dropped some by the end of my senior year and was down to 235. By now the teasing wasn’t outright. No one was calling me names in the hallways but they weren’t exactly clamoring to hang out with me either.
I was 274 when I got pregnant with my son and 286 when he was born, I dropped some after that down to 264 but then I shot back up to 286. I went on some diets and I dropped to 250 but then back up to 274. Finally this last time I was down to 250, and I went off of the diet because I hit a plateau for months on end. Only once I was off of the diet I shot up very fast to a weight of 294.
This seems like a list of all my past weigh ins, and I don’t want this to become just about the number on the scale either. My weight has been so much more than just a number. It’s been how people interact with me as well. I’ve noticed men don’t hold open doors for me but then those same men do so for thinner women. I picked up on a lack of eye contact that other people seem to get.
I’ve had boyfriends tell me that I was “beautiful but could use to lose some weight.” I had boys in junior high tell me that their guy friend liked me only to have that guy turn around and say no he didn’t but that someone else did. There was an entirely clique of popular individuals who actually seemed to make a game of it.
It really isn’t just my weight, it’s all the things that came with it too. So, that’s the history.